Wednesday, December 2, 2009


I received this story in an email a while a go and came across it

I thought I would share it and see if you all find this humorous.

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever
to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
a week of personal training at the local health
club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a
high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would
be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting
for me.She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave
me a tour and
showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful
way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time
she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the
air then she put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on
the treadmill,but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole
new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as
I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the
club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky
for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,
so Belinda put me
on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent
a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me
it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
some other shit too.


Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to
tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
not looking,I
ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny
bitch to find me
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.


I hate that b***h Belinda more than any human being has
ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of
my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted
me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me t
he damned barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.Why couldn't
it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?


Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However,
I lacked the strength
to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of
the Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray
that next year
my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me
that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if
God had wanted me
to bend over, he would have
sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!


  1. I hate the best friend loves it, but I simply hate it...I know I am not suppose to hate anything, but I do!

  2. Oh my goodness that is hysterical. I felt that way after starting Jillian Michael's shred DVD.


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